Over the fake independence day weekend, I was faced with the word happiness and I had to think about what it meant to me.
I posted about this on my personal page, but my ex, who has been mentioned in previous posts did his annual check up on me that he does each year which I believe is to ruffle his girlfriend's feathers and to humor me. We broke up FOUR years ago. It typically involves him reaching out with so many regrets about the past and his current relationship. The most important part he left me with was this year's retraction text.
Hey, Taylar this is J. Look what I did was wrong coming to your place. You were doing fine and overcome a lot of barriers in your life to position u where u are now. I took advantage of that being selfish because I wanted clarity for myself that I wasn’t the reason or blame for the stress and pain over the years that u have been experiencing at the detriment of my happiness. I deeply apologize and you didn’t deserve that. I'm happy now with my life and you deserve the same happiness as well but what I did was very selfish and didn’t think it all the way through of how it would affect you and me and my relationship as well. I know u will conquer and continue to strive for greatness and. Hope u can forgive me. If not, I completely understand and respect that.
There were two points in this text that stood out to me in his regard to happiness.
I wanted clarity for myself that I wasn’t the reason or blame for the stress and pain over the years that u have been experiencing at the detriment of my happiness.
Nerve? Gall? Audacity right?
Beyond coming over to vindicate yourself from guilt, you also believe my pain was at the detriment of your happiness. If you feel like you had to sacrifice me to be happy we were never supposed to be together in the first place. Also, for someone who comes to me each year explaining how unhappy you are, my pain would be in vain Kid. Also, you thought a new relationship would fix what already is conflicting with you. I never want to be in a position where I have to pretend to be happy to prove a point. What sucks the most is you still haven't found it, all my pain in vain dawg. And you won’t find it because you’re looking for it outside of yourself.
I'm happy now with my life and you deserve the same happiness as well...
First of all, I heard about the happiness you have, hmmm. One major assumption is that I am not happy, second is that a relationship equates to happiness. What's most important about the pain I endured so he can be happy is that I learned to find joy in so many other things. That relationship brought me a lot of joy but way more pain. When my pain overpowered me I would do anything to be happy anything to make myself feel better. I tried coloring books, walks, reading, music, taking trips, anything. And while finding myself in so many ways I found what genuinely made me happy and that joy doesn't come from other people, it is an emotion produced from within. He's hoping I find happiness and I've always had it. Honey I've got joy that wasn't given so it can't be taken away. There is a common misconception that happiness is something you have to go out and find, that's why people look for happiness in a relationship.
A relationship should never be your sole source of joy, we are all on borrowed time. How does one relationship make you feel like you can never go without one again? What is the fear of starting over? It makes you feel like joy cannot be found anyplace else but it can. I find so much joy in my life's work, a relationship will not be my only legacy. We spend so much time searching for love we never got in others.
“There’s nothing rebellious about loving something that can’t love you. You’re a woman, you should have known that men in the city would split you in half searching for their fathers in between your legs.” ―Warsan Shire
Beyond the unrequited love Warsan is referring to I think it is important to examine the men searching for their fathers part. People jump into relationships in search of something, most times, in search of happiness. Equating a relationship to happiness, knowing there is so much more complexity to a relationship is a sticky area. We all have angels, we all have demons. To truly be happy or be in a happy relationship is to know it will not fix your daddy issues, it will not fix your insecurities, you still have to put the work in. Happiness will be present when two individuals decide to internally heal for themselves.
This is beyond a rant about my ex I think it is important to understand happiness is something that cannot be found outside of yourself, it's not something anybody can pick up and leave with. Happiness will not happen when you finally get that job or you finally find your soulmate. Happiness will be present if you decide to change your perspective and choose joy. Happiness can only be found within yourself, the leverage you let people have over you is something that does not exist.
Tammy Jr.
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