To begin with, 2023 proved to be a year of profound growth and challenges. In numerous moments, I found solace in prayer, seeking peace or spiritual guidance. Despite landing a job I fervently prayed for, it has become anything but a moment of rest; instead, it is time to prove myself as a leader. Similarly, the relationship I prayed for has unfolded, revealing there's much more to discover about the other person and, crucially, about myself. Amidst these experiences, I received unexpected health news, reminding me that our well-being often takes a backseat until it forcefully takes center stage. Simultaneously, I firmly believe that life places us in situations to reaffirm our understanding of God.
Now, in my thought notebook, I penned down, "Somewhere along the way, I lost my voice, and it seeped into every aspect of my life." As I type, I realize that I've been silencing myself. When faced with challenges, my instinct is to withdraw and isolate. I prayed for God to silence me, not just in moments of faith but to shield myself from potential embarrassment. There's a fear of someone reflecting my reality back to me, making me hesitant to address the things that truly terrify me.
Ecclesiastes 3:7 teaches us there's a time to be silent and a time to speak. Reflecting on this, I see that my default has been silence. I've often chosen the passive route, but at this juncture in my life, it's time to break that pattern. Even when I attempt to stay silent, a calm voice urges me to free myself. Carrying a figurative book of things left unsaid ( literally the title of my pending booking) for so long, praying for silence, and God insisting it's not the time. The person I need to become cannot afford to be lost in a room full of people; I must speak, even if my voice shakes. It's essential to share my truth openly, even with those determined to misunderstand. I am too significant to show up small, and those who genuinely love me want to hear my voice.
At 30 years old, holding my thoughts within for so long, I still feel like a teenager navigating where I fit in this world. Distrust of my own instincts has hindered me. My therapist advises trusting my gut, even if I'm wrong—apologize but stop neglecting those gut feelings that call for action. It's time for me to claim my space and express my feelings because if my purpose is to be a beacon of light to others, I cannot allow it to dim.
Beyond that, I've discovered that by vocalizing my struggles, my community knows how to support me. There's healing within the community; it's crucial to confide in friends about how you feel. People are ready to be there for you, but vulnerability is the key. Advocating for myself has empowered me to safeguard my inner child, who longed for a defender. Expressing my thoughts has not only positively impacted my mental well-being but also my physical health. In the middle of me screaming to the top of my lungs, my body signaled that I had a fighting chance with my health—a confirmation that now is not the time for silence. When God calls for me to use my voice, I cannot remain silent.
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