Before I get started, it's time to really catch up. After 5 mentally tortuous years, I am now using my degree!! I prayed, fasted, and overworked myself, which was no match for God's timing. I am currently a research consultant for a private firm.
Okay, so I stopped doing the blog because my life was happening faster than I could type. In 2021 I was spiritually defeated, with countless job rejection letters and multiple failed talking stages/situationships. Thought I met the one and got the rug pulled right from under me. My face was planted in my bed in a tight dark space, and I realized I could not rush the process. I had to learn that I could not force people into the mold of their potential. I must allow people to show me exactly who they are and love myself enough to let go of things that no longer serve me. I asked God for alignment to his will when I turned 28, and all hell broke loose, but everything also fell into place. Shortly after my birthday, I finally got the strength to let go of this toxic situation I found myself in, like driving 45 mins to Royal Palm at 3am toxic. Believe me when I say there are better things to come when you let go and make space for them.
I was a revolving door for them, and I had to let go of every man that showed me exactly who they were every time. I also forgave myself for everything I allowed when I did not love myself.
I'm the type of person who, even when it's not on me, it's on me. Because Tay, what did you allow before it got to this point? Why are you spending your time and money trying to understand other people? My therapist told me," we are not working to understand them; we are working on you understanding who you are in these relationships." It was clear to me that day that no matter how much I wished people would wake up and do the right thing, I had to stand firm in my boundaries.
Now, I am in one of the healthier relationships I've ever been in.
A relationship is not the final victory but a new level in the healing process. You will learn about yourself more than anything and learn how to love people for who they are and not what you imagine them to be. I realized that when I thought I could breathe, thinking the lord had laid me down in green pastures, I only found my triggers and fears knocking on my door. Nobody is coming to save you; you will still have to face your demons. I thought my relationship would heal all those old wounds, but it has taught me how to heal myself. As I'm still healing, I realize I must be patient with myself and others. Otherwise, I'm in a hurry to wait.
When you try to rush God's timing, you will be in a hurry to wait. I hope you understand when I say there is a thin line between being determined and insatiable. The latter brings me so much anxiety for me. I've put so much work into my healing. I take one step, and I'm like, God, this has got to be the moment when I can rest, and God is like, no, keep stepping up, you're almost there. Anything I try to rush doesn't work out, and I'm back where I started every time I try to fast-forward to the end. I realized my fears were putting an unrealistic timer on my life. Good things take time, and grasping a full understanding of that concept and being at peace with it is hard but necessary work.
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