I was explaining to one of my homeboys my typical nigga woes and basically I wasn't taking his advice denouncing any possible good thing coming from the interaction. He looked at me and said, " Do you believe good things can happen to you?" To be frank, hell no! Have good things happened? Yea, but it wasn't by any of my footwork. Oddly enough the post- master's backdrop of my life would lead to believe that it doesn't. The amount of rejection I have experience inclines me to move in ways like I already know the outcome. I can say how it's going to end before it begins. I honestly have a lack of trust for everyone around me, it keeps me from a dark place I've spent a few years in but it also constantly keeps me fighting every battle in my mind. I struggle with being completely vulnerable with people because I feel like I never really know what they're thinking. I have talked myself completely out of relationships before.
Damn I'm the person I hate the most, a cynic. My therapist states I'm still in-between stages of grief from the trauma in my life. Constantly using my pain to rationale my current thought processes. I claim I have so much love to give and I do not. I want to believe that I do because that what I am supposed to be doing right? Things should not be holding me up for this long, yet here I am. I am all up for the love part until it requires me to trust. It's a constant frustration because I long for things I know I'm currently incapable of maintaining. Things that didn't work out were a blessing for me and the parties involved. The hardest part is plugging holes you didn't put into yourself, healing from the apology you never got. It's so much easier to pretend that you're healed. Nobody is going to pry into a presumably happy person. People take on completely new personas instead of dealing with their shit, jump from relationship to relationship, or drinking themselves through. But I digress. Anyway back to this current situation. Throughout my whole life, I used to think someone was going to come to rescue me from this ghetto I've made of myself when it never happened I just let it be but in the worst way. I reflect back to the original question: Do you believe good things can happen to you? I think so, I hope so, I'm not really sure. What I do believe if I dedicated enough time to my healing, finding out what love means to me, being vulnerable, and creating boundaries, something good will come from it. Truth is I will never normalize the trauma which is why I'm going to talk about until I get what I need. One thing I will normalize is the acceptance of what stage you are in life. Emotions are a call to action whether you move to get rid of them or try to understand them.
Take Care,
Tammy Jr
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