You have to watch what you let into your house. You ever started a relationship with somebody and all of a sudden hell break loose?
You let them come in, you didn’t have a welcome mat at your door and they just walked in with shit on the bottom of their shoes. The shit includes insecurities, emotional drainage, financial problems, BM/BD drama, plain negativity, lack of vision, contentment, toxic relatives, codependency, a long lost child you now have to raise.
I've been single for a good four years now, yes I may have been in relationships here and there, no they do not count for me ( DO NOT CLAIM ME). What I've experienced the most is the variety of shit you may drag in by allowing someone to be in your space. Some of them have been obvious shit I've let come in off sheer sport, like dating someone with BM drama with a child that's not his. Then there were the ones who sounded amazing on paper, I let them in, turned around trusting them and myself to make a sound decision and they followed me in with shit on the bottom of their shoes. They wanted to be invited in so bad and now that I have welcomed them in, they hate everything about it. Number one, I was trained for one man since I was 14 years old, the idea of being told I have to be this and that to be loved is something I've healed from.
When an individual makes you feel like you're missing something all the time, you develop insecurities, you make yourself small, try to construct yourself in a way to be deserving of that person. It is mentally draining. People will come into your life and all of their shit will break you. The transfer of energy is the most detrimental thing, you start dating someone and you become just as cynical as them. Your outlook on life shifts, all of their trauma they have manifested into a personality becomes you. You began to rationalize all of their bullshit to be with that person. They have rearranged your house in the worst way.
The Welcome Mat.
Everyone needs a welcome mat.
Your welcome mat consists of your must-haves, work-withs, and deal-breakers.
While it is important to be open I think it is important to have some requirements out of respect for yourself. Must-haves can be minimal to having a place of employment or at a minimum one degree. I dont necessarily need an individual to be highly educated, it's not for everyone but I need someone with vision and work ethic.
Work-withs include things that you're willing and capable of dealing with and waiting on. For example, as a forever broke college student I can understand a man being in school and not necessarily established.
Deal breakers are things you just cannot deal with in a partner. I cannot date a tobacco smoker. I cannot deal with a man who has a short fuse. Safety is everything for me.
"I want a guy to show me myself. I want him to love me so deeply, I'm not afraid to show him how ugly I can be. I want him to show me scars I never knew I had."- Queen and Slim
That level of safety is something I constantly long for. To completely be free to be who I need to be to love myself. I've spent so much of my time building that space for myself that anyone that comes to my door must clean off their shoes.
It is about having standards and creating boundaries. What you allow to drag in will put in you in places you're not supposed to be in. If you watch who you allow in your space you can maintain an environment where you can cultivate. And lastly, deal with your own shit before you try to share your space with someone else.
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