Choices

Life is all about choices, ask yourself, what choices are you making?

This past week I had my biweekly therapy session and I complained about my typical woes and drama in my life. Failed relationships, strained friendships, the cycle has yet to end for me. I must say I'm not afraid to admit it angers me, saddens me, and pulls me thin, I have no one who I aiming to be perfect for.

Side note, therapy works, even when I think it's not something that comes to me ( like now as I am on my side typing this at 12 am on a Friday night) and I become completely recognizant of what my therapist is trying to get me to understand. Just an FYI for people thinking about going to see a therapist or actively looking, a good one will lead you to the water but they will not make you drink. They will ask those hard questions, challenge your thought process, and help you unravel that tangled mind of yours.

I kept telling her that I was toxic based on my behaviors when it comes to a particular man in my life. We've been entangled since 2015, well I have been because I cannot seem to let this one go. I feel like I may be able to now, it seems like when I write about certain things I can let it go afterward. This was the last dude I gave my heart to, he didn't ask for it, and he damn sure did not want it. He let me know he had no intentions of being in a relationship with me back in 2017, it was too late for my heart at this point. I know it's a toxic situation but every time he's in town he's a magnet and I'm metal. My therapist would call it extended grief with this one, I cannot seem to release myself from this or even accept it.

Throughout this session, I continued to describe my behavior as if I had no control over the situation, something I could not explain. She let me ramble on and then she said to me "you know, you do have a choice, you are choosing to remain involved." At that moment all I could say was " ahhh, I know but..." It wasn't until after the session that I realized that I had put myself in a position to feel like I had no other option. This also made me think about how we compromise ourselves to maintain failed relationships and strained friendships because we have mentally took our own options away. Don't get me wrong, love is a tricky business. Love keeps us in places we should have left a long time ago, you can be in a room with the door open and still think there is no way out.

It is important to understand there is a choice in every aspect of your life, even the lord gives free will, nothing is holding you. You can choose to let negativity consume you, you can continue to love someone who chooses not to love you properly, you can decide to put someone else's emotional needs before your own to maintain a relationship, you can choose what you will accept, and like me, you can choose to remain in a toxic situation just to keep a connection with a person. You also have a choice to do none of those things. You must decide what you can live with, make choices that you can stomach. If the choices you are currently making keep you up at night or putting you in spiritual warfare you cannot live with the choices you are making.

I'm starting to realize that I cannot live with the choices I'm making. Insomnia and the anxiety as a result of my choices consume me and I have to unload on my therapist to push through. It's not healthy. Think about the people you are stretching thin, not like my therapist ( it's her job), but the one's who have to deal with who you because of the choices you make. Revaluate your options, the ones you eliminated to maintain these relationships are likely the most uncomfortable, but the ones you may need to make. Available choices include peace, safety, health, freedom, and yourself. When you decide to choose yourself all of the other choices become available.

Godspeed,

Tammy Jr.