You ever work so hard to accomplish a goal and when you achieved it you felt like you didn't earn it?
For me, I have always out-tested my peers, just an overall naturally smart girl. I read a lot of books, please instill in your children the fundamental foundations of reading, People can read, but many lack comprehension.
Anyway, excuse my digression.
I have always possessed the aptitude to learn new things from such a young age and at a very young age went after things that I wanted. I suggested my magnet program for middle school, I made it my business to go there and you know what my dumb ass did in the eighth grade of middle school? Got upset because I had once again out-test my peers and was sent to a more challenging class. That was the first time I felt like I did not belong, well I did not want to belong because I wanted to be equal to my friends. I began to slack off because there were way more white people in this class, my friends were not in there, and I just could not replace those bonds.
This was the first time in my life I earned a C in classes. I think this is the first time in my life I have experienced imposter syndrome. Worked my way up to exactly where I wanted to be and choked, got into my own head. The ass-whooping I got for them C's and even more so from hiding my report card made me wish I would have just accepted the challenge with grace. Those C's almost costs me my high school choice and from then on I just knew I would see my friends around lol.
When you're extraordinary, you have to learn to accept that. We accept our mistakes and flaws so easily, why can't accept when we are doing things well, hell above average.
From then on, I accepted that was intelligent and pursued things that illuminated just that. Scholarship programs, dean's lists, president's lists, and even went on to pursue my masters at an Ivy League school.
Imposter syndrome crept up like a crackhead at the gas station again. Them people really let my black ass in their school. I was public school smart, I did not think I could stand next to them, the peers who were accepted in the same program as me, it sounds so stupid right.
You have a right to be anywhere that you put the work in to be at. It really is a pleasure for them to have US in their institutions, homage to W.E Dubois.
Anyway, my fears really illuminated the first semester. I struggled for the first time in my life and I was really giving it all I could. The voice in my head saying I don't belong was front and center. One thing that really helped me move past this was actually listening to the things others students would say in class. Sheer nonsense, oftentimes brown-nosing, mediocrity, and I'm just like...
My black ass, in one of the populations we are studying to help as public health practitioners, I was already at an advantage and was not even realizing it. I can study history, concepts, theories, but I also know hood politics. If anybody purely deserved to be there I was in the running.
Once I realized my seat at the table, I put my name there.
You have to recognize your strengths. Real humility is knowing your strengths and weakness. Understanding that you belong at a table is recognizing what you can contribute to dinner conversation.
Sometimes you put in so much work and feel out of place in the spaces you fought to be in. The nerve to fail and try again over and over to still feel like you do not belong. The only person making you feel unwelcomed is yourself, constantly verifying your own credentials, repeatedly second guessing what you know.
You belong, you earned it. Don’t you dare short your blood, sweat and tears.
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